A “Good Cry” by Crisi Anne Korth
“Tears are words the heart can't express." — Gerard Way
Since our tender and tumultuous teen years, we hone and perfect our skills for not crying in a painful moment. We push down the hurt, the fear, those isolating emotions of vulnerability and we find all manner of other ways to come out of a social situation without daring to shed a tear. Somewhere along the way, we have been conditioned, either directly or through modeled behavior, that we absolutely should not cry...certainly, not in public, or even with a single other person to witness our pain. How many times have you faced that moment when you’re sharing a tearful memory or recounting a hurtful exchange to a loved one, and as those precious drops well up in your eyes just threatening to roll down your cheeks? Your friend, mom, or even your favorite colleague says, “Oh, no. Don’t cry...” as if instructing you that your feelings are not appropriate. Or have you ever heard the plea, “But if you cry, I’ll cry…” as if that’s the worst possible thing that could happen?
Not only is this outdated and repressive message hard to abide in the moment, it actually keeps us from appreciating a good cry even when we’re alone. As if to cry is to completely admit defeat. In response to this, some of us learn to fit in a quick cry in the car or the shower, or even in an empty bathroom stall before the next person enters the room. Or we fall back on the crutch of channeling our hurts and fears into the very familiar power of anger, ready at a moment to lash out, to yell, snipe or bicker.
As we are still early enough in the year to stay focused on our self-care goals, let’s take a look at how we can serve ourselves through a good cry, and how to get the most out of it.
First things first, in our hectic day-to-day lives it’s not only hard to find the right time to cry, but it’s also the comedown from the cry we struggle to prioritize for ourselves. A good cry can be exhausting…it makes a mess of us. We’re puffy, snotty, red-nosed and splotchy-faced by the end. Some of us also get a headache or need a nap when it’s all over.
All of this is okay, especially when we anticipate our own needs and we create a loving ritual around this release.
Make the time.
After work, after the kids go to bed, while your partner does the dinner dishes, or even schedule a clear morning with a few hours to lavish in the release of these pent-up emotions. Don’t underestimate the amount of time you may need to come back from this beautiful expression. Don’t rush it. Allow it to carry on as long as it may need to, and nurture yourself through it, resting in the promise of peace that will come on the other side.
Each one of us is different in how we process our experiences, and our needs and comforts are equally unique, so my suggestions around creating your “Good Cry” Ritual are just that: suggestions. Take them, try them, tweak them, skip them, make your own, whatever feels right. Follow your gut and your own previous experience. We’re just going to start with something, because a framework lets you fill in your own preferences freely.
Listen to Your Body.
As for the tips and tricks of bringing on and setting up for the “Good Cry,” listen to your body. Be attentive to your knowledge of how crying typically affects you. This will prompt you in the right ways to accommodate any discomfort that normally comes up. If you know you get a headache or have trouble clearing the congestion, be mindful and set out some pain relievers or a decongestant and nose spray from the outset. Splurge on the good Ultra soft Kleenex, keep a cool cup of water nearby to soothe your throat and wet your lips from all the sobbing. Consider having a lozenge or two in your pocket if your throat gets scratchy or raw.
Plan to take a long shower or soak in an Epsom bath afterwards to cleanse yourself of the pent-up emotions that will flood out of your body.
Set Your Atmosphere.
For many of us, getting started can be the hardest part. Some people believe that just beginning to cry at anything will open the floodgates to what lies beneath. If that works for you, cue up a tear-jerking classic like Steel Magnolias, Remember the Titans, My Girl, The Notebook. Or try digging deep into melancholy music; you can find plenty of choices within bands like the Cure, Mazzy Star or Death Cab for Cutie. Everybody Hurts by R.E.M. is a classic. Or, if you know the song or movie, book or poem that always brings tears for you, these are a great place start. Again, it’s about what works for you.
Start from a Grounded Place.
If you prefer to dive straight into the deeply felt emotions that you are aiming to release in this Ritual, get yourself grounded in your body first. An easy way to settle in is to sit or lie in a comfortable, solitary place. Start by bringing your awareness to the present with a few slow and deep breaths, inhaling through the nose and blowing out through the mouth. Feel your body on whatever surface you’re resting on, take note of sounds and smells, the temperature in the room, and any other physical markers that will bring you back to this safe place later. Once you have reached a place of presence in that moment, you can allow your mind and body to fall back into the hurtful words, the terrifying news, the anguish of fear or rejection that is still living inside your body. It can be from your childhood, or from a text message you received yesterday, or from any point in between.
Oftentimes, people don’t want to revisit these feelings from the past - and who can blame them - but our foundation here in the present will act as a lifeline, allowing us to travel deep into the darkness with the safety of knowing that we are only one waking breath from returning to our present comfort, leaving the past in the past when we need to lay it down and recover.
Try A Mirror.
See if sitting in front of a mirror is helpful for you. This can be a great way to allow your mind to feel as though you are not alone in this cry, but rather that today, you are sitting with whatever past version of yourself needed this solace, comfort and validation.
Let it Out.
Try speaking out loud the words you wish you would have said in the moment of the fear or conflict. As you say the words, you hear them too. This can be amazingly cathartic. Yell or scream, grunt, growl or sigh. Crying is not about tears alone, but rather releasing that heavy energy in any physical way that is instinctual to your body. Slam the ground or the table top, punch a pillow, squeeze a stress ball or clench your fists. If this release comes with a burst of energy or unrest for you, consider running even while crying; the striving and the pushing, the panting and the activity may actually allow your tears to fall more freely. If your cries overwhelm you, that’s okay; try sitting in a dark space where your other senses are muted as you surrender to the outpouring of these often uncomfortable emotions.
There is no wrong way to cry....no wrong way to process, release, or commemorate the trials you have faced. Your cries hurt no one, they cost nothing, but they bless you with a hard-earned relief once they’ve come to pass.
“A Good Cry” was written by Crisi Anne Korth (@authenticallycrisi)
You can listen to Crisi Anne reading her piece on the Subtle-Arts YouTube Channel or share segments of her piece via the Subtle-Arts Instagram Account.
Please Note:
Aromatherapy for “A Good Cry” — suggestions from Yōga Advocates on essential oils that will add another level to your experience is coming soon. Stay tuned.